Innocence Denied

My daughter, my only daughter, is twelve years old. She is almost as tall as I am, has glasses, shoulder-length brown hair, and retainers on her teeth.

She is in the sixth grade at a Catholic school, and is fairly innocent of the ways of the world, as much as is possible with two older brothers who taught her to mainline The Simpsons way too early. But other than that, I think I've held the line pretty well.

In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, in response to something she heard on the news she asked me what a "prostitute" was. She read an article in the entertainment section earlier this week on Friends, and she asked me what it was about, and then, perhaps because the article referenced it, she asked me what Sex in the City was about. I told her briefly and said, "Some people call it Sluts in the City."

"What's a slut?" She asked. Completely seriously. She had no idea what it meant.

So anyway, I have this no-so little girl anymore who loves her friends and sports and music and the theater. She is at the age where she is, quite obviously, looking around her and trying to figure out who she is supposed to be as a person. As a female person.

So she watches me - always too closely, as kids do. She watches the mothers of her friends (always cooler than me, and that's okay.) She watches her female teachers.

And in her spare time, she watches old movies, and she curls up with books. This week she read An Old-Fashioned Girl by Louisa May Alcott, and, coupled with her reading of Alcott's other books, and the Ann of Avonlea book, I can see her observing those girls and women, too. In another time, certainly, but in the context, smart, independent, strong women going off and doing their thing, striking out into the big city or into where ever life takes them, resolute, thinking well of themselves because they are - good people. Because they are, simply people.

So there she is, and I can see her watching all of this, and in some way modeling herself after the qualities she likes the best. She likes the fantasy, probably not even possibly realized since about 1953, of being the gal who sets out for the big city, willing to write great articles and thick novels, or try out for the Big Show, or, as she said to me one night, "Just come home to my apartment, sit at my piano, and play jazz."

A fantasy, yes. But not a bad fantasy.

But, of course, there are other places to look, and as hard as I try - yes- to protect her from this, and shield her eyes - she sees it. She sees it in some of her classmates, who are on the fast track to Popularity, and have been since 1st grade. She sees it if she flicks on a video, or listens to some kinds of music, or happens upon a certain movie, tv show or add.

And what do they say? They say - here's who you are, as an American female in 2004.

Be, essentially, a courtesan. That's where your life and priorities should be - in preening and flaunting your sexuality, and centering your life on when you get laid, by whom and how often.

My heart breaks, because it is so horribly diminished. My anger grows because I fail to see, with this as the fruit, what cultural feminism has brought our daughters. And I go back upstairs, resolute, to not give up, and to teach my daughter, as my mother taught me, to refuse to be defined by this oppression, for that is what it is. There is no freedom in this. And ultimately, there is no joy.

---

A clarification I put in the comments, and will repeat up here:

I'm a feminist. Some of you terribly wise commentors may not believe it, but I am.

But my comment was on the practically negligable impact of what some of us thought feminism was supposed to be about on the portrayal of women in culture.

My point is similar to a joke I heard someone - maybe Dennis Miller - make in the aftermath of the Woody Allen/Soon Yi business.

"Woody Allen's been in therapy for thirty years. Here's my message to his therapist:

Good job!"

I think it is questionable whether the form that feminism has taken on the cultural stage, within the context of an aggressive commercial culture has made it more or less possible to critique negative imagery of women in culture.

My stance would be that the direction has taken has made it less: In the name of freedom - not just for women, but for all of us - limits are the only unpermissable thing.

Comments

[David]

Triple Amen.

[Jerry]

My oldest will be nine this year, you hit home again. Between these thoughts and the news from FL this morning.....

[Captain Yips]

Triple, quadruple, amen. Think of the effect of popular culture on a now-13 year old girl who when she was younger had frequent episodes of asthma so bad that all she could do was watch the tube. We do frequent and prolonged media fasts, but the tug of the culture is powerful.

[Peter Nixon]

One of the things my wife and I have noticed when buying clothes for our 3-year old daughter is that we have to buy larger sizes because the shirts are being cut--Britney-style--to reveal the stomach. Sometimes--particularly in light of today's news from Florida--the future seems a scary place.

I'm not sure how much blame I'm willing to lay at the feet of Feminism as a whole. That movement is a river with many streams. Certainly my mother, who founded the NOW chapter in my hometown, was not fighting to make the world safe for the casual "hook-up." I think her vision was more about making it easier for women to head off to the Big City, write those novels, and play jazz. I think that's still a vision worth fighting for, whether one calls it "feminisim" or something else.

[Margaret]

You are right, I think that Feminism is at least being used as a shield for this further objectification of women. And the changes that Feminism caused laid us ever more open to our human natures that want more and want it now. Noone loses money by exploiting and marketing women. And a younger age at which to start the consumer(of clothes, music, videos. products) off with the addiction is better for the economy. Right?

[John Weems]

Well said Amy.

My oldest is now 13 and similarly shielded from the culture, even considering a call to become a nun.

So many questions:

She wants to change the world for good. When do we let her know just how bad it is?

John

[ANR]

The stream of garbage that encourages the use of women's bodies like that has nothing to do with feminism. Making women objects? Making women toys? Making girls want to grow up to be objects and toys? Nah. That's not feminism. Calling that feminism is an insult to something important.

Feminism means working to make sure that your daughter (and all our daughters and sisters and mothers and us) is free to go to the big city and play jazz, or to stay home and raise babies, or do both, or do neither.

And using that freedom to promote sluts in the city -- well, that's a damn shame, but it's not feminism's fault.

[Nance]

>And using that freedom to promote sluts in the city -- well, that's a damn shame, but it's not feminism's fault.

Yup.

[Kirk]

I agree with Peter and ANR on this one, Amy. I, too, have a 13-year old (going on 26 somedays!) daughter and as a father, I see myself more and more as a pro-feminist.... Strongly supporting my daughter's efforts to do whatever she wants and is capable of doing -- play sports competitively (remember there was a time when people who favored allowing 'girls' to compete in such 'strenuous' activities like basketball, soccer and lacrosse were considered radical feminists because, of course, we all KNEW that there bodies weren't made for such athletic strain!) ... be a lawyer, doctor, or stay-at-home mom (remember the old days when the 'joke' was the girl went to college to get her MRS degree?). I want her to feel she has real leadership potential in her Church, too (and that fact probably REALLY irritates a lot of this blog's readers!).

Has our culture gotten sleazy? You bet. But sexy sideline reporters aren't there for the women; Janet Jackson isn't taking off her top for women. Believe it or not, Sex in the City and The L Word aren't on to attract women viewers. This, I am ashamed to say, is a product of a male-dominated culture demanding to have their immediate sexual gratification. And many generations are going to pay the price for our misdeeds of today.

[Tom]

Unfortuatley all you have to do is let her watch a few "Sex in The City" episodes and some MTV...so she can fully realize her potential or place in life.... In reference to the horrible murder 11 year old in Florida...I wonder if pornography fed his murderous passions?

[Tom]

Unfortunately all you have to do is let her watch a few "Sex in The City" episodes and some MTV...so she can fully realize Holloywood's expected potential for her....Children should not be bombarded with such messages and lose their innocence so fast and so young. In reference to the horrible murder 11 year old little girl in Florida...I wonder if pornography fed his murderous passions?

[John Hetman]

Dear Amy:

God bless you! My daughter is now 20 and a sophomore at Harvard U's extension college. I remember so well those days where your daughter is at. Mine was an altar server, choir member, girl scout (till she found out that they didn't do any hiking). She eschewed the Brittany Spears girls' cliques and hung out with free spirits who were all pretty good kids. She read just like your daughter and was my right arm.

Then, then came the transformation. There were days that I thought an exorcist was needed. There were breaks of sanity, talent, placidity.

And my devotion to Sts. Rita, Teresa of Avila and Francis De Sales increased. Not to mention Padre Pio and St. Jude.

My son is 16 months younger and it was much easier to raise him with all of his male shenannigans.

I can say this...she kept a good heart through those troubled years. Today, she is a fine young woman with strong values and a dedication to searching for truth.

You and your husband will always be her ultimate models and though days may be hard, you will one day praise God for a fine young woman who calls you, "Mom!"

[Jimmy Mac]

One of the advantages of being a gay man who, along with his partner, thought of and decided against the idea of adopting a child, is that, when I read of things like this, I have to honestly admit that I wouldn't have had a clue as to how to deal with it.

Parenting is such a special skill and I have nothing but the utmost in respect for those of you who have accepted the challenge and have done the best that you can/could.

The rest is up to God.

[Geraldine]

In reply to the comments....their bodies can not compete with the physical strain of athletics. I have 5 daughters, 2 sons. They are all good athletes, playing in competive sports and having a great time. My oldest daughter had real difficulties with her periods in High school. Most of her friends who ran with her did as well. Her friend who is a championship dancer also had problems. It is not uncommon today for young women to stop menstruating completely with prolonged physical activity. Anorexia and bullemia is also prevalent in women athletes. When I took her to the doctor she said the only "natural" way for her to get back her cyle was to cut her running down. The doctor also knows me very well and said that she would suggest the "pill" to another mother for her daughter. "We've come a long way baby!"
There is usually a price to be paid for progress.

[Kate]

This, literally, makes me cry.

My niece is 7. Her parents let her play with the Bratz dolls, wear inappropriate clothing-- including a brassiere, she knows all the lyrics to any Top 40 song, and performs poorly in school.

Without a doubt, she'll be sexually active within a few years. It's so hard to pray for her salvation.

[Karl]

Of course it is feminism's fault. The sort of feminism that wasn't feminine at all, but really an attempt at masculinism. "Let's be free from responsibility, free from family, free from pregnancy!" Just like men. Or at least, just like the worst of men.

Feminism has been a bonanza to men who like sex without consequences.

[Ian]

Amy,

Don't worry. I think you should be glad your daughter is having these experiences. Yes, you read that right.

Expecting children to do the right things out of ignorance of evil is naive in iteself. We live in a corrupt society that eats the ignorant and naive alike.

Armed with knowledge your daughter can consciously decide not to make bad decisions. And thank God your daughter came and talked to you first! You now have a responsibility to teach her about the ways of the world and complete her formation.

I'm almost 30. When I was 11-12, there were girls in my middle school who I knew were having abortions. This was a *good* school too. I remember these girls sliding fast into fast life from childlike innocence because nobody ever told them not to do certain things and why those things were bad. When confronted with sex, drugs, etc. they responded according to peer pressure.

Have you explicitly told your daughter why having sex before marriage is bad? Have you taught her the counter arguments to be presented and how to refute them? If parents don't do these things, they shirk their responsibilities. We must teach our kids to know and identify our enemy.

[amy]

New flash:

Do you know what? I'm a feminist. Some of you terribly wise commentors may not believe it, but I am.

But my comment was on the practically negligable impact of what some of us thought feminism was supposed to be about on the portrayal of women in culture.

My point is similar to a joke I heard someone - maybe Dennis Miller - make in the aftermath of the Woody Allen/Soon Yi business.

"Woody Allen's been in therapy for thirty years. Here's my message to his therapist:

Good job!"

[amy]

I think it is questionable whether the form that feminism has taken on the cultural stage has made it more or less possible to critique negative imagery of women in culture.

My stance would be that the direction has taken has made it less: In the name of freedom - not just for women, but for all of us - limits are the only unpermissable thing.

[Carrie]

Hang in there, you parents of young teenagers. Stick to your values and expect your girls to do the same. In the end it's worth whatever struggle is required.

My daughter is 25, a graduate student in analytical chemistry, and working toward her doctorate. So you could say she has been liberated. But her values--values she got at home--remain in tact. Her standards are high. Maybe sometimes too high, but I wouldn't change a thing about her.

When she was nearing her teens I had to decide whether to teach birth control or abstinence. I angonized over it some, and came down on the side of abstinence. It was the right decision.

I also kept contemporary music mostly out of the house except for Christian rock. She heard it everywhere else, but she knew the standards without a doubt. Today--would you believe it?--she buys Frank Sinatra CDs.

She also is faithful in going to Mass and is determined to either marry a Catholic or stay single. And we are still best friends.

[John Hetman]

Feminism is now a loose concept. Its origins in Simone de Beauvoir and Betty Friedan were based on sterile myths by sad women-both. If one means by feminism that a woman has an equal chance to participate in an open and free society, taking her chances, making her grade on merit and not her sex, then I harken to the term. I am the dad of a twenty-year old daughter with a strong will and good values. But if feminism means excreting empty cliches, spouting repulsive slogans, being upset at every possible slip of the tongue and slight; if it means conjuring some inchoate power from Gaia, or assuming roles (i.e., the Catholic priesthood) that are reserved for males, reducing motherhood to some after-work avocation and demanding superior recognition based on biology, then count me as a male chauvinist pig.

[Calvin]

I am reminded of the story of a Rhode Island teenager who was sent off to New York City after high school to study singing with a teacher that her mother knew. This was around 1940, and for the first few weeks, she cried herself to sleep every night because she did not want to stay there. Since her mother said she would have to get a job and stay there, she did the only thing she knew how to do, and found a job singing in the CBS Radio Chorus. After three months, they offered her her own weekly radio show, which she kept for 7 years.
She had a long and successful career in opera and pop music, and passed away two years ago at age 82. When I met her in New York in 1956, little did I know that she would make her opera debut in Tampa, FL and her Met debut in NYC in 1960. I recall that in 1992 she did an interview on the NPR program Fresh Air, and you may wish to hear the interview at this URL:

http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?prgCode=FA&show Date=25-Mar-2002&segNum=2&NPROldMediaPref=RM

You can paste this URL into your browser and then delete any spaces. Very interesting show!

[Chris K.]

But what is there in the culture of the truly feminine? When the ist or the ism is added, they seem worlds apart. After they were added it seems stupidity took over and the real differences between men and women were stuffed in some closet. I don't worry so much about the young women in good families with good models and good examples who've also been fortunate to have inherited good intellectual genes, but rather all those little "sheep" who are pushed by the angry power crazed down some pretty dark tunnels of no return. There is an abundance of shame for those very "feminine" qualities which used to be thought of as powerful enough to "rule the world". The "ists" have now made it possible that in the future anything feminine will be totally smashed and women will even lose their God given rights, which they have voluntarily handed over, to bear children. Why no Masculinists for the men? Because they've always followed where the women have led them!

[al]

What good has "feminism" brought for females? Autonomy? Do they have it? Respect? Were they lacking it before? Dignity? Is this something a "movement" can bring?

Anyone willing to go tooth and nail could demonstrate the fallacies of this ideology. . . but is there any time left (ever) to consider the validity of ideologies?

[Leo]

I was brought up in a "traditional family," though of course, with six children, five of them girls, I was horribily abused (as the only boy).

I have been very impressed with my sisters. One in particular, who went to Emerson (it is in Boston, a very good liberal arts college, where she was the only person in a class who had ever handled a firearm, and clued them in about what the deal was, as well as dealing with a boyfriend of a roomate who got a bit physical. She has always liked Doc Martens.

Femininism has ideally been about giving people to tools to do what they wish. How it has been implemented has been a bit spotty.

I would be taunted mercilessly for my run on sentence earlier, btw. We all read a lot, despite a lot of TV, too. Odd, when I think of the current conceptions.

[Ono]

I say a big amen to feminism and feminists of all stripes. Like most things, the good they've done is hidden and the negatives are accentuated. I have two little girls. My 2yr old processes things she sees and imitates them. I am so frustrated with images of women on tv in programs or commercials. The objectifying of women as sexual toys is not a result of feminism, it is to address the fantasies of men. I think we can confidently say that things are not worse, but better, because of feminists. Simply stated, I do not leave my daughter in front of regular tv by herself.

As a father of daughters i think I see the world a little differently and am even more ready to acknowledge that it is an uphill battle to respectability for girls than I previously realized. I'm thankful for feminists because they fight the prevailing sexist status quo. They may be wrong sometimes, but they have done more good than harm.

In regard to Amy's point, I think Amy's post may be assuming a single dominant strain feminism which may or may not be the case. I think,like all things, current feminist approaches are a work in progress, so now feminists are embracing staying at home with kids as empowering as the corporate high ladder. Thus, i think a strong critique of negative imagery of women is not necessarily antithetical to current feminist strains. Like most things, it may depend on the critic. Who knows.

[amy]

Ono:

Of course feminism does not cause exploitive images of women. But my question is - what has mainstream political and cultural feminism really accomplished in relation to those images? What can it do? Feminism, as I was first introduced to it back in the 1970's was very interested in those issues and was seen as a force against damaging, diminished and limited images of women that present them primarily as courtesans and dependent on male approval of their appearance and sexual availability.

But now....it seems as if they have been co-opted by commerce and the general culture of self-indulgence...just like everyone else.

[WRY]

Are we talking about true feminism or the sexual revolution? Could be two different things, I think.
See, the dirty secret about the sexual revolution was that while it was ostensibly giving women "equality" it was in fact satisfying male libido and sacrificing women's self-respect.
In the bad old days there was this unwritten code: The guy wanted it, and the girl would resist. She ended up taking the more noble role because she insisted sex had to be in the context of commitment. The the sexual revolution came along and devalued virginity. The value that the girl had to sustain her in the quest for a committed relationship became the most dispised and derided thing in the world. All under the guise of "lifting" women to the same "sexual freedom" as men.

[Joan Marchaterre]

From the very beginning, it was evident that
"feminism" was making false claims because it
belittled the role that is unique to women:
that of being a mother. Even in the other comments, I see that both men and women value
jobs in the world more that they do that of being a mother. Until Society, and especially the male part of it, learn to value motherhood
as the key role in civilizing humans, we shall
become more and more degraded.

As far as keeping one's children unspotted from the world, a parent must make hard choices: no television or radio, home schooling, a very active religious program in the home,active participation of both father and mother in the education of the child, and careful selection of books, CD's, and movies,
all of which must be screened beforehand or
chosen with the help of trustworthy guides.

[Carrie]

The eternal feminine surely is best expressed in the person of the Blessed Virgin. Uncorrupted by sin, she presents to us what God intended a woman to be.

But I find her to be sharply in contrast with the average woman today, including myself. Somehow I can't see Mary in the role of woman of the world, aggressively making her place, shunning the help of men as often as not, being independent.

Someone pointed out the civilizing impact women have on men. Yes, Mary fits that image. But that is an image associated with home and children, not with the secular civil society. Mary does not compete with her husband. "Helpmate" is how I see Mary. Essential to Joseph, but in a supplemental role that brings out the most godly instincts of the men in her life.

I think the Blessed Virgin would get eaten alive in corporate America. No one would see her as anything but a joke. And can you honestly picture her shopping at Victoria's Secrets? Yes indeed, we've come a long way baby!

[Stacey]

Joan Marchaterre,
AMEN!!!

It seems to me that most feminism is aimed not at ensuring that women are recognized as having equal dignity to men though they have different gifts, but at making women equal to men, period. Women are not to be valued for their unique contributions as women (witness the denigration of the concept of motherhood), but for being able to be "independent," "competetive," etc.

Feminists led the charge in the fight for the legalization of contraception and abortion, because, they way they saw things, they could not "compete" with men if they had to worry about such things as getting pregnant. Having to care for children interferes with one's climb up the corporate ladder. Even many women who think that having children is perhaps a good thing are infected with this attitude--they have children but put them in child care from an amazingly early age so that they can go back to work. I'm not talking here about women who have to work in order for their families to eat. I'm talking about women who think that they can somehow have it all--that they can have children AND have a career which necessitates that someone else is essentially raising those children and that there are no negative consqences to any of it.

The feminist attitude not only devalues children and motherhood and what it truly means to be a woman, it also devalues men. And it pits men and women against one another rather than encouraging cooperation.

And what do we have to show for all of this? Sure, there are some women in high-powered jobs pulling down six-figure incomes. All hail the mighty dollar. But we also have broken homes, more than a million abortions each year in this country alone, and a culture that is morally bankrupt. Satan is not stupid. It worked the first time to get to the man by going through the woman, so why not stick with what works?

[Micaela]

I am somewhat interested in understanding how to get the inside track on the thoughts/feelings/personality of the historical Mary. I think one could make a plausible case after reading Scripture-- that Mary was ever obedient to God, willing to tell Jesus what to do (Cana). In terms of Mary competing with Joseph, I think in terms of popular religiosity and Mariology.. Mary is by far in the lead.

If you were going to get caught up in trying to create the perfect domestic life based on your version of the holy family (filtered through years of construction). I would be much more concerned about men working outside of the home in the corporate world away from their children than Mary being a little assertive.

I am not knocking the domestic Church or images of the Holy Family. I just think that we need to look for what is essential--- sacrifice, humility, obedience to God and move pass historically conditioned external factors.

[Mark W.]

Looks like Amy and the rest of us are trying to cope with Hugh Hefner's "Cultural Victory". See the article at Godspy.

[Ono]

Amy, I think I hear you saying that the feminism you were introduced to has been coopted and overrun by a culture permissiveness and self indulgence.

I agree, and also that it is a universal problem for every movement, group, organization, etc. My 2 yr old daughter sees McDonald arches and asks for french fries, she's already branded at the age of 2. It is frustrating because we are powerless against the onslaught of corporate greed which will spare no tactic to make us dependent on their wares and indulge in everyand anything. (BTW, I'm one of those who believes in suing McD's for obesity and diabetes) I think feminism has fallen prey to the culture of self indulgence brought on by the corporate onslaught.

I do know of feminists of the liberal stripe who are as frustrated as heck that a Patricia Ireland would pose naked for men, or that feminism quickly resorts freedom to be exploited. I think the first feminist pendulum swung to making women to become asexual male drones and now it was swing to a "total embrace" of female sexuality and premisiveness. Hopefully, it'll settle somewhere reasonable.

[CB]

I'm always attracted by irony and contradiction: this is a faith-based blog, and our faith often offers the BVM as ideal feminine role model. Amy's daughter is 12; wasn't the BVM pregnant at 14 or 15?

[Fr. Shawn O'Neal]

I hope that some jazz musician somewhere never refers to Katie as anything other than a great lady and a great musician to invite to a session.

If a man ever says anything about her being "hot", may it be because of a hot melody coming from her fingers on the keyboard.

I hope that many people love, honor, and cherish her for the talents she uses to glorify God and raise up the souls of men and women in need of raising.

[Shy One]

I have four sons, but no daughter, but that lack hardly disqualifies me from adding a comment.

The most painful part of parenting so far, for me, has been the times when I had to pull back the veil of innocence and inform my children about the truth of the condition of this world, be the topic abortion, gay "marriage", the clergy sex abuse scandals, etc.

Keeping any of your children pure in the face of the sheer mass of filth out there requires one thing - trust in God. Nightly, after they were asleep, I'd go back in for that final check, that final adjusting of the blanket or window, and spend a moment in prayer over each one, praying primarily for their purity. That virtue is the one that I'd most lament the loss of, and is probably the most difficult to regain, whether you're male or female.

There is no point in spending too much time being wistful or decrying society's crap. There is only today, only now, to keep ourselves in a continuous state of prayer before God, and keep our children lifted up to Him for His grace.

[Joe McFaul]

This was one of the most disturbing posts (in a good way)that I've read. I was bothered by Amy's observations all weekend. I have 5 sons and no daughters but I want those sons to meet, associate with and possibly marry one of those "smart, independent, strong women going off and doing their thing, striking out into the big city or into where ever life takes them, resolute, thinking well of themselves."

This is very important to me. I (perhaps naively) assumed this was the "default position" for young American womanhood when I was growing up and acted accordingly. I would hope for the same for my boys.

Now, I'm afraid the "default positon" is Janet Jackson/BrittanySpears/Madonna slut goddess. That means that ALL young girls will be treated that way and all young boys will be expected to treat young girls that way. And I believe that is a crime against humanity. I'm as angry as Rod at the handling of the clergy sex abuse crisis and I certainly agree that abortion is about as evil as it gets, but how we socialize our young women has to be one of the most important "things" our society can accomplish. We are failing miserably.

[Ern]

If you think so...

Ern

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