An Open Letter to Maureen Dowd:

Shut. Up.

Oh, I forgot.

Dear Ms. Dowd:

Shut. Up.

It's not often that I say that, especially to a fellow writer, for I'm a firm and unyielding believer in free speech, not just on the legal level, but on the moral level as well. Writers may write what they want, publishers may publish what they want, vendors may sell what they want, readers may read what they want.

But this is the point to which your ignorant snipes have driven me: I want you to just shut up and stop writing about anything related to the Catholic Church.

It's not that I'm reacting against your views, simply as your views. There are plenty of folks out there writing about Catholicism from perspectives that aren't mine. Oh well.

But none of them are in your unique, rather privileged position: the op-ed page of the New York Times twice a week, your columns usually high on the "most e-mailed sidebar," one of the more well-known, if not respected pundits in the United States, and a self-identified Catholic, to boot.

And along with that, none of them are writng quite as much ignorant tripe as you are. E.J. Dionne may have set my teeth grinding on three separate occasions this week, but at least he sort of knows what he's talking about, and one can see, through his ideology, a basic, if flawed understanding of what the Catholic faith is, and a small openness to seeing Benedict XVI as he is, not as he would have him to be.

But you? Can I ask you just what the hell is the matter with you?

I mean - do you want people to think you're stupid? Because if you do - congratulations. You're doing a fantastic job.

The two, from rural, conservative parts of their countries, want to turn back the clock and exorcise New Age silliness. Mr. Cheney wants to dismantle the New Deal and go back to 1937. Pope Benedict XVI wants to dismantle Vatican II and go back to 1397. As a scholar, his specialty was "patristics," the study of the key thinkers in the first eight centuries of the church.

They are both old hands at operating in secrecy and using the levers of power for ideological advantage. They want to enlist Catholics in the conservative cause, turning confession boxes into ballot boxes with the threat that a vote for a liberal Democrat could lead to eternal damnation.

Pope Benedict XVI wants to dismantle Vatican II and go back to 1397.

Earth to Maureen: No, he doesn't.

It's that simple. No, he doesn't. I mean, what does that mean, anyway? Do you have a clue, or is that just a suitably medieval date you pulled out of your - hat?

I too, as I start in the service that is proper to the Successor of Peter, wish to affirm with force my decided will to pursue the commitment to enact Vatican Council II, in the wake of my predecessors and in faithful continuity with the millennia-old tradition of the Church. Precisely this year is the 40th anniversary of the conclusion of this conciliar assembly (December 8, 1965). With the passing of time, the conciliar documents have not lost their timeliness; their teachings have shown themselves to be especially pertinent to the new exigencies of the Church and the present globalized society.

Do you know what Vatican II was all about? Do you? Do you know what Pope Benedict has said about it over the past forty years? Do you know what he said about it last week?

Didn't think so.

As a scholar, his specialty was "patristics," the study of the key thinkers in the first eight centuries of the church.

Ooooooh. Scary! Would it be better if his specialty was "pundistics," the study of half-baked scribblings of the 21st century that will be forgotten next week?

Thank God his specialty wasn't a first-century guy who hung out with fishermen and lepers.

Oh.

I could spend all morning with this, but I won't because frankly, while you need it, you don't deserve it. This morning's column is an abuse of the space, an abuse of the position that you're privileged to hold. It evinces absolutely no awareness of real news, only of soundbites, stereotypes, and protest signs waved outside of St. Patrick's Cathedral. It's absolutely inexcusable for you to presume to educate the country on the background, priorities and intentions of this pope when you obviously don't know anything about him and, most crucially, don't seem to have read a single word he's spoken over the past five days. I know you're busy but it seems to me it's like - your freakin' job - to be informed.

But maybe I just don't get it. I've got a Master's degree in religion, I've taught school, and I've written a slew of books. I value understanding, knowledge, research and the truth. I am loathe to open my mouth and opine about anything unless I really have looked into it. There's a couple of reasons for that: first, I like to be based in reality. Secondly: I don't like looking stupid.

Is that not a Blue State value?

Huh.

So do us all - and the truth - a favor. Take a vow of silence regarding this Pope and most Catholic stuff until you've read up on it. There's this thing: it's called the internet. You can find almost anything on it, including stuff the Pope said, like, today. It's cool.

Call me. I'll give you some tips. It's okay. We can work on this.

But until then, do yourself a favor. And write about something else.