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December 01, 2005
Just in time for Christmas
The Cavalcade of Bad Nativities by the same blogger who brings you Angels We Have Heard Are High.
Language alert, but twistedly, deservedly funny. Lurve the Jesus with the Thomas Kinkade cloak.
It's sort of like this site (language alert...well, sort of. Yeah, okay. Language alert.), but for religious statuary. A needed service.
And....whoa.
Posted by Amy Welborn | Permalink
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Comments
This is more my taste in expressions of the holiday season.
Posted by: Victor Morton at Dec 1, 2005 1:00:24 PM
Click on "Kitsch: The Movie"
It's priceless.
Posted by: Brandon at Dec 1, 2005 1:00:28 PM
You have to visit the Baby Jesus gift shop to get a glimpse of the anti-fornication thong. Unreal.
Posted by: Carolyn at Dec 1, 2005 1:14:05 PM
When I was in grammar school, my best friend and I got in trouble with the nuns for turning a basic Christmas mural on the side of the classroom wall into "Don Martin's Christmas", with the Mad Magazine icon represented in all aspects of the nativity--Don Martin Mary, Don Martin Joseph, Don Martin infant Jesus, and of course Don Martin angels....
Posted by: John Farrell at Dec 1, 2005 1:24:30 PM
I nearly wet myself reading the commentary.
Thanks. I needed that.
Posted by: RyanL at Dec 1, 2005 1:55:54 PM
Amy - the "whoa" baby Jesus link appears to actually be a hypnotic gif file; the sun rays and fixated blue eyes are similiar to some rather cheesy hypnotic devices in some Japanese Anime shows my kid wathes.
No heavy equipment operation after a few minutes of this, please!
Posted by: A. Carlton Sallet at Dec 1, 2005 1:58:50 PM
Now that I have seen these, why am I afraid to believe that I am going to be asked to bless one of these in person sometime soon?
Posted by: Fr. Shawn O'Neal at Dec 1, 2005 2:03:30 PM
At some point there has to be some "accounting for taste." (Don't ask me to define bad taste...but I know it when I see it.)
Posted by: Ellyn at Dec 1, 2005 2:10:45 PM
Carolyn: I looked and I couldn't find the thong! Help!(?)
-Bruce (fresh from my crusade against Mel Gibson on another thread)
Posted by: bruce cole at Dec 1, 2005 2:15:23 PM
The Baby Jesus explained by Dr. Andrew Miller, pastor and owner of the site:
The Baby Jesus is a temporal prosopon of the Logos hypostatic branch of the Trinity and is the conduit through which the circuit of Agape is grounded in Humanity. Like all the hypostases, the Baby Jesus is a fully integrated, homoousian manifestation of the Trinity, having two natures, both Infantile and Divine -- Baby and God.Whereas the supra-adult Risen Christ provides us with Love and Care, it is through the Baby Jesus that we are able to return some small amount of the same, as His innocence elicits our purest emotions. Although Earthly Human love is relatively miniscule and thus cannot fully, or even substantially, repay His Love, God knows that without providing us this spiritual release valve, Humans experiencing even a small part of the Infinite Love contained within the Trinity would be so overwhelmed by guilt at being so infinitely unworthy as to be incapacitated, both physically and metaphysically.
The Baby Jesus transmogrifies the unfathomable vastness of Agape into something a Human can hold in his or her arms and care for. He is, if you will, a friendly user interface to the Holy Ghost. We see then that God had a Purpose for manifesting Himself on Earth natally instead of simply appearing in a fully adult form: The very existence of the Baby Jesus Himself is an act of Love and Caring, for by our being able to love and care for the Baby Jesus, we are able to safely share in God's Love and Care, thus completing the circle.
It is for this reason that we implore visitors to our site to not forsake the Baby Jesus. For without His Cooing Grace to Humanize the Awesome Infinitude of God's Love, those on the verge of accepting Jesus into their hearts may become confused and disoriented -- experiencing a sort of Agapic vertigo -- and fall prey to the many Internet predators working for Satan who seek to lead them astray. Many a potential Saved person has been lost for lack of proper focus on the Baby Jesus.
Got that?
Posted by: Old Zhou at Dec 1, 2005 2:24:35 PM
The Baby Jesus gif is simply . . . creepy. I'm all weirded out now. The thong is bad enough but the "chastisement cards" are beyond the beyond.
And I've never understood the various nativity scenes dipicting cats, bears, native Americans, Eskimos, snowmen (especially snowmen!) & the like. Um, cats? If you wind them up will they play Memory?
Cheezy with a capiatal C.H.E.E.Z!
Posted by: Gene Branaman at Dec 1, 2005 2:48:44 PM
Dr. Andrew Miller loves his thesaurus, doesn't he?
Posted by: Meggan at Dec 1, 2005 3:27:05 PM
This Baby Jesus Web site has to be a joke. I found a screed against malls saying the most ridiculous things:
"J.C. Penny - The J.C. makes us think of Jesus Christ, thus associating our Lord with the lowest monetary value, the penny (even Judas valued Him at 30 pieces of silver!).
Sears - What the flesh of the damned does in Hell. It also sounds like "seers", Pagan mystics who engaged in occult premonitions.
Cinnabon - Sounds like "Sin Upon".
Orange Julius - Named for the Pagan Emperor of Rome. This company's mascot was once a devil, until they changed it to hide their true intentions.
Hot Topic - A recent store aimed at children that openly sells devil paraphernalia. Any guess as to why "hot" is in their name?
Hallmark Gold Crown Stores - Purveyors of Santamas tree ornaments depicting anthropomorphized woodland creatures (reference to Evolutionism) and Harry Potter merchandise. What notable person will have a mark and wear crowns? [Rev. 13:16, 13:1]"
Posted by: CMick at Dec 1, 2005 3:35:15 PM
Oh Amy, thanks for the link. The commentary on the Nativities is too funny.
Posted by: Maria Ashwell at Dec 1, 2005 4:33:07 PM
I ran across this blog a few months ago. I was on a google search looking for an unusual nativity set for my sister who collects them. I was going to send you the link then, but I was waiting till it was closer to Christmas. One of the funniest sites I have seen in a very long time. And the commentary is hilarious. Every once in a while, lines that go something like, "I wonder if we could create a worldwide resin shortage..." pop into my head and make me laugh out loud.
Posted by: AnnF at Dec 1, 2005 4:53:28 PM
+J.M.J+
The worst Nativity scene I ever saw was a cheap porcelain deal, looked like it was probably Made in China and purchased in a 99 cent store.
Centered on the base was the Christ Child in the manger, but for some reason there was a crucifix "growing" out of the back of the manger. So you basically had Baby Jesus at the foot of the Cross, right below his adult crucified self.
On either side of the manger/cross knelt two figures, one male and one female. They looked a lot like traditional depictions of Mary and St. Joseph - except they both had wings. Don't ask me why.
Whoever designed that one probably had little or no understanding of Christianity.
In Jesu et Maria,
Posted by: Rosemarie at Dec 1, 2005 6:17:12 PM
I googled "Objective Ministries" to find out if the site is a satire or parody site. All I found were other sites asking the same question.
If it's real, it's really bizarre. If it's not real, it's the best hoax site I've ever seen. Click on some of the ads on the side bar.
Posted by: Meggan at Dec 1, 2005 6:47:33 PM
It's a hoax. They sell t-shirts with a sperm on it. Underneath the sperm the t-shirt reads "motility = life." That's a hoax.
http://www.cafepress.com/objectivemin/570992
Posted by: CMick at Dec 1, 2005 8:01:31 PM
"motility = life." That's a hoax.
Why?
I'm ignorant.
Posted by: Meggan at Dec 1, 2005 8:42:21 PM
Wiki on Objective Ministries
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OBJECTIVE:_Christian_Ministries
Ok...I'll quit now.
Posted by: Meggan at Dec 1, 2005 8:51:00 PM
After a glass of wine and a day with preschooler plus baby I kind of dig the Jesus kinkade cloak, makes me feel warm and fuzzy. More evidence that parenthood dulls the mind.
Posted by: kathleen reilly at Dec 1, 2005 9:00:19 PM
Objective Ministries are the same wags who brought us the Landover Baptist Church ("Where the Worthwhile Worship"), which they claim to be working to "shut down," all the while linking to the site, which is, after all, pretty funny. http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/
Posted by: PMC at Dec 1, 2005 11:04:53 PM
This is just too funny for words... thanks, I needed the laugh!
Posted by: Veronica at Dec 1, 2005 11:54:45 PM
This reminds me of a game called "Christian Tack-o", where you go into a Christian Book & Gift Store (TM) and compete to see who can find the tackiest item. Something on the order of Left Behind as done by the guy who made Pink Flamingoes.
Posted by: Ken at Dec 2, 2005 12:33:31 PM
